Jo’s Blog

Sometimes I just feel like kicking myself for screwing things up.

Work, family, friendships, relationships.

I have this knack to say/do the wrong things. And once done, cannot be undone.

Sometimes, all is forgiven. And life returns to the way it is.

But sometimes, like this time, things change and can never be the same again. I realise that I have asked him the same question before, and it was the fastest reply I got. And I don’t want to be someone’s problem to be sorted out.

And all I can do is take a deep breath, get on with life and hope(here’s to always hoping) that there will be other things that willl make me smile that much. And hope(again) that this feeling of utter wretchedness, breathlessness and total despair will go away soon. And that I can once more get a good night’s sleep.

Perhaps it is fate. I don’t know what else I can do.

And it is at times like this that I am glad for friends and pet. And newfound respect for those that are able to let go.

Another night, another bout of insomnia.

The only consolation I have is that England is 7 hours behind (therefore at 3am Malaysian time, it is about dinner time for most), and there are people to talk to (bug at work).

I don’t know why, but everytime I am about to doze off, I remember something important I have to do, worry about state of the world (or something similar) or just feel plain hungry (have said no to supper tonight).

It’s strange how easily I fall asleep next to Mr. Ex-boyfriend.

First of all, I prepare myself a budget (yes very sad), which at the moment runs up to August 2007(!). However, I never ever ever stick to it. If I am supposed to spend 300 quid I will end up spending 700. Which makes me wonder. Why do I even bother? And savings…what’s that?

Secondly, I have the lamest love life. I lived with a guy (my supposed boyfriend) but we led very very separate lives. It has now ended. Then there was "I left my wife for you". What a joke that was. Now there’s "I really really want this, but it’s not a relationship, I(him) don’t think you(me) are sure, yada yada yada". What??

Thirdly, I have been trying to loose 10 pounds since I was about 6. Everytime I have a more than decent meal, I tell myself, I’m not ever eating so much anymore. This is a cycle which happens about 5 times a day or anytime a bag of M&Ms is in sight.

Fourthly, back to the first point, I have been trying to save up. But everytime I go to Selfridges (or generally any place where I can spend money), well, I spend money.

Lastly, I have bought a vast number of DVDs which will end up on top of TV at home. I buy them, be really enthusiatic about watching them and then decide after 2 minutes into the show, it’s boring, and go to sleep.

I am sad and very very lame.

It has been 2 weeks since I left old firm and joined the ranks of the unemployed (and enjoying it mind you).

I have noticed that not having to work (i.e. having an additional 12 hours in the day of NOTHING to do) is slowly turning my brain into mush.

For example:

1) I have failed to zip fly several times. One time I was picking my cousin up from school. Imagine, a bunch of 7 year olds(boys) and unzipped fly. I was wearing black lacy underwear. Enough said. Rather embarassing when pointed out by cousin in front of general public. Pointed out quite loudly mind you.

2) The non-stop eating. Since I made a vow NEVER to say no to supper I have been having 5 square meals a day(breakfast,brunch,lunch,dinner,supper - with many snacks in between). Nice. Not so nice when I can’t fit into clothes hence having an excuse (Do I really need an excuse?) to go shopping for plus sized clothes.

3) Taking a shower/going to the toilet without locking the door. This is generally acceptable but not with an excitable 7 year old around. Who will just barge in. Regardless of one’s state of undress.

4) Have nearly surfed the net for porn - on my mum’s computer. I stress on the word NEARLY. In fact have nearly bought interesting bead-like apparatus from Ann Summers.

5) This is the worst. Have thought up names for future children. Rowan (Ro-ro). But apparently I can’t have a child in Malaysia without a husband (Humbug!). Have government not realised that it is damn difficult to find self a decent, nice man, what more get married (I seriously don’t know how some people manage to do it). Therefore my ‘husband optional’ theme has to be put on hold. I guess I will have to name my dog Rowan.

6) Have also been driving like a crazed hippopotamus looking for water/mate. Nearly gave the finger to ex-boyfriend’s(heh) parents. The reason they honked me was to say hi. Yes I gave them the evil eye (and nearly the finger!). When I realised it was them there was frantic waving/maniacal smiling on my part. Yes was very very embarassed. You’d think that I would be able to recognise their car when said ex-boyfriend was driving me around in it just a few months ago.

It’s 9:37am. I have nothing to do. My cousin is awake. I think I will go play Batman with him. Isn’t this just bliss?

21 year old (or blues eyes as he is now wanting to be known as) has been pestering me to go to Newquay this summer. I have been declining as:

a) I have no one(female) to go with (pet doesn’t want to go with me - I mean what’s up with her? She prefers to slog it out with chongsies at campsites. Very strange.);

b) I don’t know anyone (and everyone will be below 25);

c) I prefer shopping rather than surf and sand.

So he sent me this picture as an incentive. That’s 21 year old/blue eyes(pffft) on the far right lying down on the sand.

Hmmph. The first thing that came to mind when I saw the pic, "How young do they look?!".

Seriously, if I knew I’d share.

I have been wondering, how long does it take for one to be naked AND comfprtable in front of the man you are seeing (in and out of bed). It takes quite some effort to always ensure that unflattering body bits appear presentable and hopefully sexy so as to ensure one is shaggable. Surely there must be a certain length of time where said man is totally hooked on you and he won’t run in the opposite direction when faced with not so firm body bits.

And when is it appropriate to be naked?

Naked gardening? Pervy neighbours will be happy.

Naked car washing? Neighbours will be happy, whether they are pervy or not.

Naked showering? Duh! It a requisite.

Naked cooking? Rather hazardous. Besides, Nigella is sexy when she cooks fully clothed.

Naked ironing? Again can be a health hazard.

(I swear jet lag/no work is NOT curing my boredom)

1) He doesn’t need to be made to feel secure. Besides, insecure man = more effort. And have you noticed that smug look that he has everytime you pinch his cheeks for being so cute.

2) Never believe a man when he’s drunk. In fact be sceptical even when he’s not, especially when he’s giving his opinion about what you are wearing. Frankly, he doesn’t care. As long as you take if off later.

3) Threesomes are ok for him, as long as it’s with 2 other girls. Trust me. I have not yet met a man who is a-ok with another man. (Penis envy?)

4) Deep down inside, he’s really not comfortable with gay men. Because, he’s afraid that gay man will fall in love with him. And if said gay man doesn’t fall in love with him, well not only is he only semi-attractive to the opposite sex (he got very lucky with you), he’s not even attractive to his own sex.

5) He never forgets. He’s just too lazy to remember.

6) And he is more than capable of packing, ironing his clothes, organising his life. It’s just that if there’s someone (you) to do it for him, why should he make the effort?

7) He secretly likes your beauty products. If you think your new face cream is disappearing fast, well it’s because someone else (him) have been using it.

The most important thing in his life - his manhood.

9) And yes he loves it more than you.

10) The biggest part of him? His ego.

But you still love him don’t you?

……they will always walk you to your car and text/call you to make sure you get home safe.

I guess I can’t complain about my friends over there. They do make sure I get home safe. Well they make sure I get into someone’s car (someone we know that is!). And Mr. ‘Married but now Separated’ was the most diligent. But I think it is due to me always asking him to. 

And it’s always strange how I meet up with old friends and we can just pick up from where we last left off. As if we were never apart and we are back being 17 year olds.

I really should go to sleep and not let this jet lag thing keep me up. But I think it is more than that that’s keeping me up. I always tell myself ‘don’t get involved, don’t get involved Jo’…and I always do. And if it’s not because he’s married, he’s too far away.

*waves white flag*

It is 5:16am and I have been awake for the past half hour - Thanks to a neglected/hungry stomach and 8 hours time difference. Apparently a plate of noodles is not enough to satisfy said stomach and all the sleep in the plane didn’t do me any good. Damn. As usual was fickle when asked to eat and am now regretting decision. Next time when asked to eat, I will eat. Have been told by mum to be patient. 2 more hours and I can have more noddles.

But I am back in Penang. And everytime I am back, I am convinced that I don’t ever want to go back to the UK (cold,cold place even in the summer). And everytime without fail, I have to tear myself away, board the plane and get on with life. However, so many things have been happening that’s making it more and more difficult to do so.

I have packed and unpacked about 25 times. Have been told to sit in a corner by Mr Housemate. Well, can’t help it if I become obsessive/compulsive at times like these.

Tomorrow I am:

1) Leaving my first ever job, hence becoming unemployed for 3 1/2 weeks in Penang(!) until I start my new job;

2) Flying in a snowstorm - Yes gale force winds and iced up tarmac.

Trust me of all times for it to get Artic it must be now. On the eve of my departure. I hate take-offs/landings (grips chair until knuckles become white, makes high pitch squeals).

But on a positive note - I will be back home.