Jo’s Blog

Received a call from Miss T this afternoon, abusing the office phone as usual.

She has met Mr "Sex on legs". 

He has "reported for duty" and has asked for "permission to board".

Seriously, I was trying to hold giggling whilst Miss T gave me an account of her weekend encounter with said Mr "Sex on legs" and his "Uncle Dick and the Twins". My mum was driving beside me with my grandma, my grandaunt and their elderly lady friend in the back seat.

I really don’t know why these things always happen to me. Was trying very hard to muffle words like "size", "girth", "positions", "taste", "hair" and "colour" into phone.

I am trying to feel excited to go back to see friends and pet. And trying even harder to feel excited to start new job. But I can’t help feeling like fuck at the moment. This is always the part I hate the most. I promise myself 2 more years and we’ll call it a day. Pack my bags and come back home regardless. It is not worth it. Not at all. Even if I work in Kay-el, at least it is only 4 hours (maybe 5 for me) drive back home. Even pet is homesick after only 4 months.

It is confusing as most of my friends are back in the UK. And my friends in Malaysia, well most of them have moved on and the flake that I am, I don’t keep in touch enough. Even if I try to keep in touch, time is limited. I come back for such a short time and have to split my time between separated parents. Am trying to make more of an effort nowadays. It feels like I have two lives. Which complicates an already complicated person.

The new job better be worth it.

Sometimes I just feel like kicking myself for screwing things up.

Work, family, friendships, relationships.

I have this knack to say/do the wrong things. And once done, cannot be undone.

Sometimes, all is forgiven. And life returns to the way it is.

But sometimes, like this time, things change and can never be the same again. I realise that I have asked him the same question before, and it was the fastest reply I got. And I don’t want to be someone’s problem to be sorted out.

And all I can do is take a deep breath, get on with life and hope(here’s to always hoping) that there will be other things that willl make me smile that much. And hope(again) that this feeling of utter wretchedness, breathlessness and total despair will go away soon. And that I can once more get a good night’s sleep.

Perhaps it is fate. I don’t know what else I can do.

And it is at times like this that I am glad for friends and pet. And newfound respect for those that are able to let go.

Another night, another bout of insomnia.

The only consolation I have is that England is 7 hours behind (therefore at 3am Malaysian time, it is about dinner time for most), and there are people to talk to (bug at work).

I don’t know why, but everytime I am about to doze off, I remember something important I have to do, worry about state of the world (or something similar) or just feel plain hungry (have said no to supper tonight).

It’s strange how easily I fall asleep next to Mr. Ex-boyfriend.

First of all, I prepare myself a budget (yes very sad), which at the moment runs up to August 2007(!). However, I never ever ever stick to it. If I am supposed to spend 300 quid I will end up spending 700. Which makes me wonder. Why do I even bother? And savings…what’s that?

Secondly, I have the lamest love life. I lived with a guy (my supposed boyfriend) but we led very very separate lives. It has now ended. Then there was "I left my wife for you". What a joke that was. Now there’s "I really really want this, but it’s not a relationship, I(him) don’t think you(me) are sure, yada yada yada". What??

Thirdly, I have been trying to loose 10 pounds since I was about 6. Everytime I have a more than decent meal, I tell myself, I’m not ever eating so much anymore. This is a cycle which happens about 5 times a day or anytime a bag of M&Ms is in sight.

Fourthly, back to the first point, I have been trying to save up. But everytime I go to Selfridges (or generally any place where I can spend money), well, I spend money.

Lastly, I have bought a vast number of DVDs which will end up on top of TV at home. I buy them, be really enthusiatic about watching them and then decide after 2 minutes into the show, it’s boring, and go to sleep.

I am sad and very very lame.

It has been 2 weeks since I left old firm and joined the ranks of the unemployed (and enjoying it mind you).

I have noticed that not having to work (i.e. having an additional 12 hours in the day of NOTHING to do) is slowly turning my brain into mush.

For example:

1) I have failed to zip fly several times. One time I was picking my cousin up from school. Imagine, a bunch of 7 year olds(boys) and unzipped fly. I was wearing black lacy underwear. Enough said. Rather embarassing when pointed out by cousin in front of general public. Pointed out quite loudly mind you.

2) The non-stop eating. Since I made a vow NEVER to say no to supper I have been having 5 square meals a day(breakfast,brunch,lunch,dinner,supper - with many snacks in between). Nice. Not so nice when I can’t fit into clothes hence having an excuse (Do I really need an excuse?) to go shopping for plus sized clothes.

3) Taking a shower/going to the toilet without locking the door. This is generally acceptable but not with an excitable 7 year old around. Who will just barge in. Regardless of one’s state of undress.

4) Have nearly surfed the net for porn - on my mum’s computer. I stress on the word NEARLY. In fact have nearly bought interesting bead-like apparatus from Ann Summers.

5) This is the worst. Have thought up names for future children. Rowan (Ro-ro). But apparently I can’t have a child in Malaysia without a husband (Humbug!). Have government not realised that it is damn difficult to find self a decent, nice man, what more get married (I seriously don’t know how some people manage to do it). Therefore my ‘husband optional’ theme has to be put on hold. I guess I will have to name my dog Rowan.

6) Have also been driving like a crazed hippopotamus looking for water/mate. Nearly gave the finger to ex-boyfriend’s(heh) parents. The reason they honked me was to say hi. Yes I gave them the evil eye (and nearly the finger!). When I realised it was them there was frantic waving/maniacal smiling on my part. Yes was very very embarassed. You’d think that I would be able to recognise their car when said ex-boyfriend was driving me around in it just a few months ago.

It’s 9:37am. I have nothing to do. My cousin is awake. I think I will go play Batman with him. Isn’t this just bliss?