Jo’s Blog

21 year old (or blues eyes as he is now wanting to be known as) has been pestering me to go to Newquay this summer. I have been declining as:

a) I have no one(female) to go with (pet doesn’t want to go with me - I mean what’s up with her? She prefers to slog it out with chongsies at campsites. Very strange.);

b) I don’t know anyone (and everyone will be below 25);

c) I prefer shopping rather than surf and sand.

So he sent me this picture as an incentive. That’s 21 year old/blue eyes(pffft) on the far right lying down on the sand.

Hmmph. The first thing that came to mind when I saw the pic, "How young do they look?!".

Seriously, if I knew I’d share.

I have been wondering, how long does it take for one to be naked AND comfprtable in front of the man you are seeing (in and out of bed). It takes quite some effort to always ensure that unflattering body bits appear presentable and hopefully sexy so as to ensure one is shaggable. Surely there must be a certain length of time where said man is totally hooked on you and he won’t run in the opposite direction when faced with not so firm body bits.

And when is it appropriate to be naked?

Naked gardening? Pervy neighbours will be happy.

Naked car washing? Neighbours will be happy, whether they are pervy or not.

Naked showering? Duh! It a requisite.

Naked cooking? Rather hazardous. Besides, Nigella is sexy when she cooks fully clothed.

Naked ironing? Again can be a health hazard.

(I swear jet lag/no work is NOT curing my boredom)

1) He doesn’t need to be made to feel secure. Besides, insecure man = more effort. And have you noticed that smug look that he has everytime you pinch his cheeks for being so cute.

2) Never believe a man when he’s drunk. In fact be sceptical even when he’s not, especially when he’s giving his opinion about what you are wearing. Frankly, he doesn’t care. As long as you take if off later.

3) Threesomes are ok for him, as long as it’s with 2 other girls. Trust me. I have not yet met a man who is a-ok with another man. (Penis envy?)

4) Deep down inside, he’s really not comfortable with gay men. Because, he’s afraid that gay man will fall in love with him. And if said gay man doesn’t fall in love with him, well not only is he only semi-attractive to the opposite sex (he got very lucky with you), he’s not even attractive to his own sex.

5) He never forgets. He’s just too lazy to remember.

6) And he is more than capable of packing, ironing his clothes, organising his life. It’s just that if there’s someone (you) to do it for him, why should he make the effort?

7) He secretly likes your beauty products. If you think your new face cream is disappearing fast, well it’s because someone else (him) have been using it.

The most important thing in his life - his manhood.

9) And yes he loves it more than you.

10) The biggest part of him? His ego.

But you still love him don’t you?

……they will always walk you to your car and text/call you to make sure you get home safe.

I guess I can’t complain about my friends over there. They do make sure I get home safe. Well they make sure I get into someone’s car (someone we know that is!). And Mr. ‘Married but now Separated’ was the most diligent. But I think it is due to me always asking him to. 

And it’s always strange how I meet up with old friends and we can just pick up from where we last left off. As if we were never apart and we are back being 17 year olds.

I really should go to sleep and not let this jet lag thing keep me up. But I think it is more than that that’s keeping me up. I always tell myself ‘don’t get involved, don’t get involved Jo’…and I always do. And if it’s not because he’s married, he’s too far away.

*waves white flag*

It is 5:16am and I have been awake for the past half hour - Thanks to a neglected/hungry stomach and 8 hours time difference. Apparently a plate of noodles is not enough to satisfy said stomach and all the sleep in the plane didn’t do me any good. Damn. As usual was fickle when asked to eat and am now regretting decision. Next time when asked to eat, I will eat. Have been told by mum to be patient. 2 more hours and I can have more noddles.

But I am back in Penang. And everytime I am back, I am convinced that I don’t ever want to go back to the UK (cold,cold place even in the summer). And everytime without fail, I have to tear myself away, board the plane and get on with life. However, so many things have been happening that’s making it more and more difficult to do so.

I have packed and unpacked about 25 times. Have been told to sit in a corner by Mr Housemate. Well, can’t help it if I become obsessive/compulsive at times like these.

Tomorrow I am:

1) Leaving my first ever job, hence becoming unemployed for 3 1/2 weeks in Penang(!) until I start my new job;

2) Flying in a snowstorm - Yes gale force winds and iced up tarmac.

Trust me of all times for it to get Artic it must be now. On the eve of my departure. I hate take-offs/landings (grips chair until knuckles become white, makes high pitch squeals).

But on a positive note - I will be back home.

Back, sack and crack wax

Apparently hurts like a motherfucker. And mainly for men.

Sex positions

The spiderman - Where the man gets a woman to give him a blowjob and he cums in his hand. He then proceeds to throw his cum at the girl’s face. (Surely must be illegal as possibility of blindness is high. Imagine getting it up your nose. Ugh)

Buckin’ Bronco - Where in the midst of making love to a woman the man calls out the wrong name and he tries to see how long he can stay on the woman.

Will try to lay off the sambucas.

Why do men have butt hair? And not even on the cheeks. All concentrated in the crack. Mass of thick curly hair. I wanted to say black but appreantly it depends on one’s colouring. Imagine ginger butt hair. Ugh. I mean what’s the whole point of it? Surely evolution should have eridicated butt hair. It’s unhygenic and rather ugly. And surely it must smell. At times at least. There is no reason whatsover for there being butt hair. Thank god it only happens to the male in our species.

Sex vs shopping. For girls anyways. I swear sometimes the rush I get from getting that gorgeous pair of tan boots beats being in bed with a man any day. Although there are variations. Depends on which man and which pair of boots. And most of the girls I know AGREE. Much dissapointment from the male of the species.

All this talk about skinny vs curvy girls. Appreantly not a big deal as long as said girl has a nice pair on her. It’s unfair how girls are described based on body parts. That one with the big ass, flat chest, massive chest etc etc. And for guys - short, tall, fat and thin. Most of the time you can’t even see what a guy’s ass looks like thanks to baggy pants. And guys never get described as ‘that guy with the massive balls’ or tiny balls or even saggy balls.

Here’s to keeping conversations tasteful when accompanied by margaritas.

Just discovered that 21 year old is actually 20. Born 1986. Isn’t it nice to be able to add one year to your age and still be young. And as my pet pointed out - he’s not legal yet. Oops…Well until June anyways…

How do you choose between the love of your life and the guy you can never forget?

The one who has been with you through good and bad times, and put up with you especially during the bad times, who has just always been there.

And the one who who makes you smile, who makes you happy just by being next to you and you haven’t felt so happy in a long long time.

There is no running away from making this choice.

My heart heart breaks to know we can never be. But I wish you love.

I should stop listening to Rachael Yamagata.