These are the days of our lives…
I was slightly annoyed with Emily yesterday night as she made it her mission to prevent me from making any mistakes with 21 year old during the pub crawl. As we know pub crawls lead to excessive alcohol intake which leads to loss of inhibition/self-control which leads to well….let’s not go there.
So dear Emily latched on to me the whole night, preventing any access to 21 year old, and we ended up in The Volunteer for the whole night (only the 2nd pub of the night) while the others moved on to the 3rd, 4th…..7th pubs of the night.
Not a total waste though as we had a very insightful discussion about my ‘love’ life or lack of or too much of depending how you look at it.
2 years ago, I thought I met the One. I seriously never had such a strong connection to anyone before. Slight problem. He was married. And after a very confusing,difficult and sometimes painful period, I think that I can safely say that its over and I can put it all behind me. And I have gotten the closure that I need. As long as I don’t have to see him/talk to him. He wants to be my friend. Bollocks. Which is why I screen my calls nowadays. Sad I know.
And then there’s him. We have been in a relationship, on and off, for most of 10 years. Yes since I was 16. Although there were break-ups in between, long distances, other guys etc. And he is my best friend. I can tell him everything. And he has seen the best….and the worst of me. And I do care so much about him. But I don’t think I want to marry him…… Which leaves me very confused. If we were meant to be, then wouldn’t we already be married? Especially after so long. And if we were meant to be shouldn’t I be thinking of settling down with him rather than moving away from him? This is where Emily is a traitor as I managed to convince her to rent the extra room in her new flat in London to me so that I can move away and decide once and for all. But then Dave decided to come back from China and she has decided to forgive him for his little tryst and he’s moving in with her, and well, I’m not going to get the room. And I can’t bloody afford a flat of my own in London and I don’t want to share with strangers. Well not moving out for now.
But sometimes, I think its not so bad living with him. Or maybe I am just too lazy to move out. Have I gotten so comfortable and complacent that I will just settle? Or maybe I am just too afraid to be alone after being cocooned in a relationship for so long. But then there’s a part of me that’s afraid that if I do take the step, I might be making the biggest mistake and lose him.
I have to take the risk. Jump off the deep end I know. But I fucking want ot know what the outcome will be before I do so. Not possible in real life I know. That’s when I tell her about my eccentric behaviour of always reading the ending of a book before I start.
So yes, it was an interesting Saturday night. Not the interesting as I hoped. But interesting nonetheless. 21 year old will just have to wait….for the time being.
November 12th, 2006 at 6:18 pm
Scaffolds.