Jo’s Blog

My sister has VERY bad taste in men. She has been raving about her ‘blue-eyed’ boy. When I asked my mum what he looked like - the answer was Herman Munster. Yikes.

I am sitting here typing away….trying to finish this damn report so that I can go home and get some dinner…yes its nearly 12am…I should be at home in my pjs….getting ready to go to bed….instead I am here….working….at least I’m not alone….there’s 2 other, just as hungry, associates….who will, at any given chance, take over the deals I am trying to complete before my holiday….

And then I wonder….what the hell am I doing here? Did I grow up, with wild dreams of working in Africa and South America, conserving and protecting animals, hero worshipping David Attenborough and Dian Fossey, to be stuck in this desk job? To be working average 14 hour days, most of the time without seeing the sun? Where your worth is measured by the number of letters after your name and the number of deals you complete. I mean, what the fuck am I contributing sitting here? Helping one company take over another. Right. More like helping hundreds of people being made redundant.

And what’s the point when, there are less than 30 Amur Leopards in the wild……..the polar ice is melting at a dramatic rate…..somewhere a child is starving to death…..and at the end of the day, we die. No doubt about that.

I can go on and on about this….And I do keep promising myself that one day, maybe 2 years from now, when I have saved enough money, I will quit this rat race and make a difference, do some good, even if it is the tiny. But will I do that in 2 years time? Or will greed, the craze for power cloud my passion, my childhood dream, and push it further and further away into my subconscious….I know its today that I have to take the plunge….But the sensible side of me tells me that I have bills to pay, responsibilities to keep. Maybe this is the change that I am seeking. Maybe this is what that is making me feel so restless. When you are 12, the divide between dream and reality is so small, and making your dreams come true is always a possibility, a real possibility. But when you are 26, so steadfast in your ways, with so many responsibilities, its not so simple. Dreams are what you have at night when you sleep. Reality is what you face each day.

But even if it kills me, this is the one thing that I promise myself that I will do it. Because one less runt working at a desk, there are hundreds more waiting to fillthe gap. But one more person trying to make a difference, well maybe a difference can be made. Even if its tiny.

Mr. Corporate finance partner came up to me and asked me what I thought about something and if I could complete something for him at half past nine. At night.

Seriously? Do I look like I give a fuck? I’ve got 16 days till my month long holiday. All I want to do is get some food down my throat. Seriously? I’ve got a new job waiting and the only reason I am staying is for Mr. Bonus. So again - do I look like I give a fuck?

Yes will go wash my mouth with industrial strength cleaner now. What has happened to me lately? F this. F That. Oh right. The vicarious link. Those who can’t do; teach. Those who don’t get any - well either, dream, swear or get their chest waxed.

21-year-old : So what do you want to drink?

Jo : Erm. Diet Coke.

21-year-old : That’s all?

Jo : Yeah. Why don’t I get this round and you can get it later?

21-year-old : Fine.

Jo : What do you want then?

21-year-old : *cheecky grin* Sex on the beach and but not on the rocks. *wink*

Yes please!

I was talking to a friend today about the number of interviews that I have attended the past month and he told me something funny that happened to him during an interview.

He let one rip, thinking that it would be a silent one, tried to disguise it as a cough, but ended up forcing out an even louder one. He said that at least it didn’t smell. Says him.

Well, he can’t beat mine. I spat out (accidentally) the sweet I was sucking on to the piece of paper that the partner handed to me. And this was a huge Strepsil (sore throat) covered with my germy saliva. Halfway through my presentation, my right eye started to tear (very badly) because some rogue eyelash decided to latch itself to my eyeball. I had to run to the nearest loo to wash my eye. Not to mention that I have been sniffing and blowing my nose throughout. And to top it all off, my nose started bleeding. Beat that.

I was slightly annoyed with Emily yesterday night as she made it her mission to prevent me from making any mistakes with 21 year old during the pub crawl. As we know pub crawls lead to excessive alcohol intake which leads to loss of inhibition/self-control which leads to well….let’s not go there.

So dear Emily latched on to me the whole night, preventing any access to 21 year old, and we ended up in The Volunteer for the whole night (only the 2nd pub of the night) while the others moved on to the 3rd, 4th…..7th pubs of the night.

Not a total waste though as we had a very insightful discussion about my ‘love’ life or lack of or too much of depending how you look at it.

2 years ago, I thought I met the One. I seriously never had such a strong connection to anyone before. Slight problem. He was married. And after a very confusing,difficult and sometimes painful period, I think that I can safely say that its over and I can put it all behind me. And I have gotten the closure that I need. As long as I don’t have to see him/talk to him. He wants to be my friend. Bollocks. Which is why I screen my calls nowadays. Sad I know.

And then there’s him. We have been in a relationship, on and off, for most of 10 years. Yes since I was 16. Although there were break-ups in between, long distances, other guys etc. And he is my best friend. I can tell him everything. And he has seen the best….and the worst of me. And I do care so much about him. But I don’t think I want to marry him…… Which leaves me very confused. If we were meant to be, then wouldn’t we already be married? Especially after so long. And if we were meant to be shouldn’t I be thinking of settling down with him rather than moving away from him? This is where Emily is a traitor as I managed to convince her to rent the extra room in her new flat in London to me so that I can move away and decide once and for all. But then Dave decided to come back from China and she has decided to forgive him for his little tryst and he’s moving in with her, and well, I’m not going to get the room. And I can’t bloody afford a flat of my own in London and I don’t want to share with strangers. Well not moving out for now.

But sometimes, I think its not so bad living with him. Or maybe I am just too lazy to move out. Have I gotten so comfortable and complacent that I will just settle? Or maybe I am just too afraid to be alone after being cocooned in a relationship for so long. But then there’s a part of me that’s afraid that if I do take the step, I might be making the biggest mistake and lose him.

I have to take the risk. Jump off the deep end I know. But I fucking want ot know what the outcome will be before I do so. Not possible in real life I know. That’s when I tell her about my eccentric behaviour of always reading the ending of a book before I start.

So yes, it was an interesting Saturday night. Not the interesting as I hoped. But interesting nonetheless. 21 year old will just have to wait….for the time being.

Yes….The great thing about 21 year old is - stamina…..Just amazes me how long he can stay up…..Anyways…..

I fell ill (when I say ill I mean lose my voice, feel like death with raging fever ill) after 7 days yes 7 days of getting up at 6, working until 8 and partying until 2. 21 year old on the other hand….breezed through it.

Con… Well being asked for proof of age when buying drinks. Maybe 21 year old just looks young, Hang on. He is.

But stamina wins hands down.  *sigh*