Jo’s Blog

Or soon to be Mrs Russell.

Yes she is the last person I ever expected to get hitched.

And with 6 months to plan her autumn wedding!

Have been promised that my bridesmaid dress will be dark red velvet and I will actually look hot in it. Well I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to look like a cream puff. But I could do with hot.

And being the sweetheart that she is, she’s promised that that stupid tradition of throwing the bride’s bouquet will be axed. Yes axed.

Instead, the bride (and groom) will be passing around condoms. So that everyone can drink and be merry. There will be copious amounts of alcohol.

And yes that dumb tradition is rather annoying. If you are single, it highlights the fact that you are 27 AND still single. Therefore something must be wrong. If you are in a relationship, well dude doesn’t want to marry you. Yet. Again, something must be wrong. Add in a couple of old relatives and there’s your excuse to get plastered.

Recently my aunt got married and the number of relatives on my case was unbelievable. "Where’s your boyfriend?" (Jo smiles and takes a sip from her wine glass). "When are you getting married?" (Jo smiles and takes a huge gulp from her wine glass) "You are not getting any younger you know." (Jo drinks straight from the bottle).

But from the sound of Miss Smith (soon to be Mrs. Russell)’s voice, it’s unbelievable how happy she is. This is the girl who will pull at least 4 guys a night. Who is always up for a night out. Who shouts "Man alive" each time a hot, I want to get into his pants,have 10 of his children guy walks into the room.

She told me that she is so glad to have found a Great man and not have to play silly infantile games with all the tossers out there.

After not seeing 21 year old for a long time, decided to meet up for dinner (McDonalds - Classy I know). He is in love (hurrah!), she’s studying in Scotland (boo!).

Anyways, over Big Macs and French Fries, we started talking about music, which led to the new Beyonce/Shakira video (he likes), which led to a discussion about the very delectable Aero ad (I like), which led to a little debate on Great love vs. Great sex.

21 year old is of the opinion that great sex wins as great sex will give you memories to last a lifetime but great love, well usually end in tears.

What he wasn’t prepared for was the hormonal reaction a 27 year old woman.

I’ve had my great love. I’ve had my great sex. Now I’d just like to meet a great man (yes the father of my children). Thank you very much. If possible could he please be well-mannered, have hair on his chest (it’s this thing I have), have lips that I don’t ever want to stop kissing, a kind heart, love children and dogs, and of course love me unconditionally. Is that too much to ask?

Poor boy. He hasn’t even turned 21 yet.

And can everyone please listen to "The Girls" by Calvin Harris. Funny.

Hypothetically speaking, if a man is peeing and his manhood gets attacked by a leech.

What should he do?

Pull leech out and let his manhood bleed?

Or let the leech continue sucking?

Picture this.

You are in a hotel bar.

With a gorgeous man.

Those mesmerising brown eyes.

The band is playing "Wonderful Tonight" in Spanish.

Champagne has been flowing the whole night.

The conversation is about travels to exotic places.

The mood is mellow and somewhat dreamy.

It’s late.

You should be going back to your room.

You’ve got a long drive back home the next day.

Then the band plays another one of your favourite songs.

"You were meant for me" by Sting.

And the mood changes.

It’s still mellow.

But there’s a certain intensity to it.

And you realise that the possibility.

The possibility that the magic of the night that was.

Could be magic that is.

And magic that will be.

Yes the possibilities are endless.

And then your alarm clock rings. Pffft….

Example : I WANT that Gorgeous.Pair.of.Dune.Peep.Toe.Sandals. Where you just know will get you some kinda lucky. Good for birthday party this Saturday night. Not so good for maxxed out credit card. Especially when one has already bought another pair of come-fuck-me (so she says!) peep toe sandals in the not so distant past.

Example : Wanting to listen to Bob Marley (Is this Love?) the whole day. Not good. As housemate, neighbours, friends, colleagues, Dermot Mulroney lookalike partner will think one is somewhat a nutter. Good for ears, not so good for social/work life.

Example : Wanting to move to London. Good for social life. Bad for mental health. As one always attracts nutters on the tube/bus/park/Selfridges etc. As Mr. Housemate says. Human Magnet. Easy for him to say that, he is big AND scary. Me, not so big, definitely NOT scary, quite a pushover really. Maybe that’s why the nutters like me.

Example : Wanting to have a baby NOW. Good as I won’t be sixty when said baby takes it’s first steps. Not so good as one has to have intercourse to be able to have baby. Do we see any intercourse in the near/distant future? Nope. Might get a dog.

Example : Wanting to sleep an extra hour each morning. Good for health. Bad for career. There’s only THAT many times the train got delayed, roadworks etc etc.

Yes my dear friends it really is a very fun game.

You need the following:

1 boy and 1 girl, their respective hearts, some attraction and a bit of love.

Put the boy and girl together and let the fun and games begin.

Watch how the boy and girl get attracted to each other. And then how the boy chases after her. Confessing his undying, never-ending love. (Boo hiss!) Watch how he calls her 24/7. Watch how attentive he is. Watch how he’s an all round great guy.

And then watch how, when she reciprocates, he runs the other way. Watch how cool towards her he’s become. Watch how he tries to avoid her. Watch how he’s now an all round big fat tosser.

After this anything can happen. Girl realises boy is a tosser, leaves him and finds real love with with a nice guy. Or maybe tosser’s friends give him a good speaking to and he realises his mistake and tries to get girl back, but at this point girl has moved on. Ha! Good girl.

There are many endings, but every game is a lesson learnt. Makes it easier to identify tossers.

Do I sound cynical? Surely not. From experience there are many many tossers out there.

So girls, when you find a nice guy. Hang on to him. As the tossers outnumber nice guys 10 to 1. Nice guys are hard to come by even if he’s not exactly an oil painting or even if he’s kinda nerdy. Solid dependable guy wins "cute ass I wanna pinch" guy any day - hands down.

I’m playing a little game of emotional tag now. Can’t tell if he’s a tosser or nice guy yet. Watch this space and let’s see how long it will last. Nice one.

Today was the worst (in other words boring as fuck) training course I have ever attended.

I have been duped. The course was supposed to teach us how to use our work computers. Some of the sessions included things like how to switch on your computer, how to reboot your computer. DUUUHHHH!!!Average age of the participants - 50 years old. And that’s including me and 35 year old Irish (FIT) man. (Have decided NOTHING beats an Irish accent with a hairy chest - NOT Northern Ireland though). And what’s up with the (ancient) guy next to me? Several times during the day I wanted to strangle him. Not only did he keep asking STUPID questions, I think he was farting something bad. It smelled like rotten eggs the whole day. Faint inducing.

How glad was I to get out of the place. I nearly sprinted out.

Anyways, was supposed to spend Friday night snuggled in bed with Patrick and my new Marian Keyes book (which is about one of the Walsh sisters losing her new husband to an accident - Tragic) and of course my "Legends of the Fall" dvd. Which I was hoping will encourage Brad Pitt dreams.

When I got a call from Dandy Andy. To go out with the lads for a piss up. Now I got kinda big headed at that point. Do they think I am one of the lads now? Nice. I always wanted to be "one of the lads". Until he burst my bubble and said that I needed to go to babysit Tom’s sister who is visiting for the weekend. What nice friends I have. Although there was mention of them not seeing much of me lately.

Well I wasn’t really given a choice. As Dandy Andy didn’t fall for any of my excuses and will be picking me up at 10pm. Oh well….so much for catching up with sleep. I’m sure the long weekend will bring plenty of opportunities to sleep. That’s go to sleep. Not sleep with someone. Have forgotten what THAT is.

Since I have been missing home, its strange how many people I meet are somehow connected to home.

For example, I met an American girl from Boston today and she has just been on a 2 week holiday to Malaysia. She stayed at one of the "hotels" in Love Lane.

Then I met a guy from Ipoh - which is nearly Penang anyways.

And then I met a guy from Perth but, check this out, he is related to the Rozells and was talking about "The Rozells" band.

And and, my new colleague’s mum is from Penang.

Now how freaky is that.

Well so much for me trying to play up the fact that I am from a tropical island in south east asia. Not so exotic anymore.

And the fecking Home Office. They said that it will take 4 weeks to process my work permit. It took less than 10 days. Which means that I have missed out the chance to go for some cock, oops, I mean go to Cork for the last time before pet leaves. Feckers.

Right. Effects of the 4 pints have now worn off. Time to sleep.

As I was the keeper during our weekly football match, I got the chance to observe how different girls and boys play football. Very very different.

When girl A passes the ball (heh heh ball) to girl B, and girl B, being the dope she is, misses catching the ball, girl A will apologise for a lousy pass. Followed by girl B apologising as well. Watching the boys play, boy A will be screaming profanities at boy B for being such a dope. Boy B will scream back at boy A. All that testosterone!

I can go on.

That’s why girls should rule the world. Because we are nice like that.

And being the keeper is fun. You a) get to shout at your team mates, b) get to watch boys playing football, and c) just stand there while everyone is running up and down the pitch - the suckers!.

And just because I got a ride with the Panda doesn’t mean I should drink 4 pints of beer and howl at the full moon while smelling like a fish. Oh you wait Miss Tan you will feel the effects tomorrow. On a school night as well. Tsk Tsk.

And newfound love for Kaka. Suck that Man U!!

Underwear

Women tend to have 3 sets of underwear.

Set 1 - When said woman is single. Which tend to be of the grey and of the very comfortable variety. Because let’s face it. If no one is going to see you naked, there sure as hell won’t be anyone seeing you in your underwear. And do you really want to bother?

Set 2 - When said woman is seeing someone new or there’s a chance that she will be getting laid. This is underwear that’s black (red for the adventurous) AND lacy. Also note that the bras will have to be unpadded. We all know why, do I need to elaborate? And thongs, thongs and more thongs. Or G-strings. Whatever. Which makes me think. You are out on a first date with a guy you hardly know (with the chance that you might get laid later on) and wearing rather skimpy dress. Where you feel will slip off any minute and expose unflaterring bits. Do you really need the added discomfort of some piece of cloth wedged between your ass cheeks? And at the same time trying to look sexy, carry on conversation with a stranger and checking for food stuck on teeth.

Set 3 - When said woman is in a relationship.Hurrah! Not really. Your underwear can be anything. In fact, if you don’t wear any, it doesn’t matter. Beacuse he’s not going to look anyway. He’s seen it all. Can’t be arsed. Any nice underwear you buy now is really for your own sake. Seriously, he doesn’t care. He much prefers you naked. Period.

Men on the other hand, are less complicated. They only have 2 sets.

Set 1 - When he’s single. Anything goes. He really can’t be bothered. If you check, his underwear probably dates back to the year 2000, which was the last time he had a serious relationship. Not good for uncle Dick and the twins. As he was about 50 pounds lighter then. Sometimes, one does worry for the twins. Uncle Dick, not so much. we all know how much tlc Uncle Dick rceives.

Set 2 - When he’s in a relationship. His girlfriend buys him underwear. And he still can’t be bothered. Because none of his friends are going to see him in matching undies. But at least they fit.

VIPs

Can be Very-Important-People or…

White rabbit’s favourite….

Very-Incredible-Penis.

Unfortunately NOT vouched by his girlfriend.

Chocolate

White chocolate is nice but nothing beats smooth dark chocolate with a bitter edge. If you catch my drift.

Strange but there’s no yellow chocolate. I think there should be.